(I take Smuthers into a bowling alley.)
Smuthers: Oh well. I'm not keen on it, but I guess it's something to do.
Myself: Now you know we can't afford those kinds of luxuries.
Smuthers: Then why... Forget it. I'm not going to ask.
Myself: Tell me, have you ever noticed how people who are hated often don't seem to know it?
Smuthers: Not really. But it makes sense.
Myself: Why?
Smuthers: Because if they knew it, they'd do something about it and they wouldn't be hated.
Myself: Ah, but they would need to know why they are hated first.
Smuthers: Yeah, so?
Myself: So tonight we're going to help a few assholes to learn why they are assholes so they can stop being assholes.
Smuthers: How are you going to do that?
Myself: By utilizing my formidable powers as a psychoanalyst.
Smuthers: I thought your background was in internet development.
Myself: It is. But I also sat through every episode of The Bob Newhart Show as a child. I've already figured out two of our scheduled guests from mere surface observations, but this first one will require an interview. He's just a regular kind of guy with a job in a warehouse, Bob Douglas!
(Enter Douglas.)
Myself: So Bob -
Douglas: Robert.
Myself: Sorry. Robert, I used to drive a forklift, myself.
Douglas: So?
Myself: So I thought we had something in common since you work in a warehouse.
Douglas: You're making a poor association there.
Myself: I am? Seems like every warehouse I've ever worked in had at least one forklift.
Douglas: Not every warehouse has a forklift. I resent the kind of stereotypes caused by presumptuous people like you.
Myself: But you listed your forklift ticket with your credentials on your sheet.
Douglas: Impossible.
Myself: (thrusting the paper in front of his eyes) Look! There it is in your own hand!
Douglas: More presumptions. How do you know I wrote that?
Myself: (after taking a moment to size up my guest) The sky is blue.
Douglas: Actually, blue is just the colour of our atmosphere. The sky's true colour -
Myself: Robert, would you like to know why you have no friends?
Douglas: Who says that?
Myself: Because you disagree with everything people say when they try to communicate to you.
Douglas: I do not!
--------------------------------------------
Commercial: Do-It-Yourself Lawyer
(A Legal Aid Clinic.)
Plaintiff: But you've got to help me! They got my dying mother to sign away her house when she was in the hospital under anaesthesia!
Lawyer: I'm sorry. Those kinds of things are not covered in our curriculum.
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(The plaintiff at home, unpacking the newly purchased product.)
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(A courtroom.)
Judge: (slamming down his gavel) The court finds in favour of Mother Plaintiff! (Plaintiff and Mother Plaintiff stand and hug.)
Mother Plaintiff: We did it!
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Announcer: Don't wait for the rich to make justice affordable for you. Sue them now with the Do-It-Yourself Lawyer!
--------------------------------------------
Myself: Our next guest is a visitor from the old country.
Smuthers: Egypt?
Myself: No! Merry old England!
Smuthers: Ooo I love that accent!
Myself: Yes, so do I. But it's not helping him for some reason. I guess we'll find out why. And now would you please welcome all the way from 'across the pond', Mr Nigel Hawthorne!
(Enter Hawthorne.)
Myself: Mr Hawthorne, I understand that you are having a hard time adjusting to life in this country.
Hawthorne: Everyone's so bloody nice!
Myself: That's because we all grew up in small towns.
Hawthorne: Well, it's hard to believe that this was once a British colony.
Myself: Why's that? Aren't we uptight enough about personal issues?
Hawthorne: Christ! You bring them up with strangers on the train! Haven't you people ever heard the phrase 'too much information'?
Myself: Don't our drinking establishments shut down at an early enough hour?
Hawthorne: You don't go to the pub. I sit there alone while you take your beer home and drink it in front of the telly like a lot of sots! Not much help to the social life.
Myself: So it's our fault that you haven't made any friends here yet.
Hawthorne: Clearly.
Myself: Mister Hawthorne, do you know what one of your authors, George Orwell, said about English people in an essay entitled 'England, Your England'? He said that among the first things one might notice about them is their hypocrisy.
Hawthorne: I'm not a hypocrite.
Myself: What else do you call someone who expects people to love him in return for brushing them off? And that smug imperialism won't get you far here. It's the American influence.
Hawthorne: Oh! Smug imperialist, am I? The Yanks are the ones building an empire!
Myself: And what were British troops ever doing in India or China?
Hawthorne: But we outgrew our empire.
Myself: Yeah, sure. Too bad the rest of the world can't be as mature as your country. Why did you come over here anyway?
Hawthorne: To vote in your election.
(Commercial.)
Myself: Well, Janie, how am I doing so far?
Smuthers: Two out of two, Dave. I must say I'm impressed.
Myself: And our next guest is a no-brainer. A rich banker! (We burst into derisive laughter.) Here to discover why he is so hated, J. Paul Pinchpenny!
(Enter Pinchpenny.)
Pinchpenny: Tell me why I'm in a bowling alley and make it fast. Time is money.
Myself: Because I read somewhere that it troubles you when people don't like you because you see no reason for it.
Pinchpenny: What about it?
Myself: People don't hate for no reason.
Pinchpenny: You think there's something wrong with me? What did I ever do to them?
Myself: You're a banker, right?
Pinchpenny: So? It's not hurting anyone. (Janie suppresses a smirk.)
Myself: Don't banks profit from war?
Pinchpenny: What's wrong with profit?
Myself: What's right with war? And how many helpless old lady's homes have you repossessed so far this year?
Pinchpenny: That's not a fair question.
Myself: Make no mistake, sir. I respect you. Everyone respects you. But it's a bit much to expect us to like you.
Pinchpenny: And why is that?
Myself: Because you put money first. That means you put it ahead of people. And that means you put it ahead of morals.
Pinchpenny: That's complete and utter nonsense. I donate to charity all the time. Why, just this morning I made a very sizeable donation to an organization that teaches boys survival skills.
Myself: The Boy Scouts?
Pinchpenny: No. The Hitler Youth of America.
(Commercial.)
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