Myself: In an increasingly automated world, more and more stumbling blocks appear for people in the form of technical challenges, some of which may threaten their very survival. Today we'll be talking to a few of these victims of our growing technocracy.
Smuthers: That's a little dramatic, isn't it?
Myself: I think it's a serious problem.
Smuthers: You think it's the end of the world just because a few slowpokes out there can't figure out their ipods?
Myself: Slowpoke, am I? Well, while you take your familiarity for granted, others may be crippled by such fundamental changes.
Smuthers: Oh please!
Myself: Maybe one day when the ipod is made obsolete by some strange new device, you'll be more sympathetic. And what about workplace victims like my first guest, who lost his job as a cashier to a self-serve checkout machine? Do you dismiss them, as well?
Smuthers: I don't know, I'd have to hear from him first.
Myself: Very well, let's bring him out here. Please join me in welcoming Perry Slight! (Applause. Enter Slight.) Glad you could make it.
Slight: Oh, I have plenty of free time these days.
Myself: I'm sorry to hear that. How is your job search coming along?
Slight: Not good. Machines have cut down a lot of the positions in my field.
Myself: Maybe it's time to explore a new field.
Slight: Cashiering is more than wide enough.
Myself: It is? Then perhaps your job skills are transferrable to a more available position.
Slight: Like what?
Myself: I don't know, anything to do with serving customers, I guess. Have you thought about maybe working in a restaurant?
Slight: Does it have a checkout?
Myself: There are better jobs out there.
Slight: Not for me, I'm happy as a cashier. Each customer presents a fascinating new mystery.
Myself: Did you really enjoy serving customers?
Slight: Sure, they gave me a sense of purpose. My goal was not only to identify their needs without them having to tell me, but to remember all of their names.
Myself: That was certainly above and beyond the call.
Slight: I also drew a map of the store, and I wrote a training pamphlet for the new employees.
Myself: Exceptional.
Slight: And I programmed an online database of all their products.
Myself: Wow, it's hard to believe they'd turn around and replace you with a machine after all that.
Slight: What do you mean? I wasn't replaced by the new machine, I built it.
Myself: You built their self serve checkout machine?
Slight: Yes, on my spare time.
Myself: I don't understand then, if you were so indispensable, why did you have to leave?
Slight: Because there was nothing left to do.
COMMERCIAL
Smuthers: I hope you don't expect me to pity that last guest.
Myself: Forget about him, up next is a woman who says her health and safety has been jeopardized by faults in her home alarm system - a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Maelstrum! (Applause. Enter Maelstrum, puffing profusely on a long cigarette.) Now, you say that your situation has reached life-or-death proportions. How long have you had this alarming problem?
Maelstrum: Since I moved in a year ago. It seems like eternity.
Myself: What kind of alarm is it?
Maelstrum: A smoke alarm. I had to tear it out of the ceiling because it kept going off for no reason. Now I'm afraid to sleep, in case my home catches fire in the middle of the night.
Myself: You must be exhausted. And I understand you've suffered some injuries, as well.
Maelstrum: That's right, from waking up so abruptly that I fell out of bed and hurt my hip!
Myself: You poor thing.
Maelstrum: Last time it kept ringing so long I almost had to take an aspirin!
Myself: You poor dear.
Maelstrum: (Between puffs) And if it keeps interfering with my sleep, I'm going to miss my appointment for chest x-rays. (She extinguishes her cigarette and lights another one.)
Smuthers: (Choking on secondhand smoke) How tragic.
Myself: (Eyes watering) Has the inspector had a look at it?
Maelstrum: He says it's not broken, but I know better. The one in my last home never used to go off all the time like that. I could chain-smoke and burn incense and fry smokies all at once, all night long, with no interruption. This one goes off before I'm even into my second pack.
Myself: Why did you move from your last home?
Maelstrum: It burned down.
Myself: (Obscured by smoke, hand sweeping a clear patch for my head) Do you think your real problem might be that you smoke too much?
Maelstrum: Impossible. (The onstage fire alarm sounds.)
COMMERCIAL
Myself: Okay, I know those last two guests were a little disappointing, but our next guest says that advanced technology has turned his car into a death trap. This is the kind of discussion I've been trying to get into here. Please welcome Wendal Pitts! (Applause. Enter Pitts.) Glad you're still with us.
Pitts: And still in one piece, unlike my car.
Myself: Yes, I understand you narrowly escaped an explosion.
Pitts: It was a close one, all right. It would have never happened in my old car.
Myself: Did you have to abandon it while you were driving?
Pitts: No, it was parked.
Myself: Have they figured out what went wrong?
Pitts: It was the locking system.
Myself: What, a wiring problem?
Pitts: No, it wouldn't let me break in. You see, I locked my keys inside. I used to be able to break into my old car with a good spatula, but the new ones have a better locking system.
Myself: Oh, so you were trying to break into your car and it exploded? That'll slow down auto crime.
Pitts: No, no, I work as a demolition man. I had just finished rigging a site and I was parked in the blast zone.
Myself: (After a moment) I see, so you want to complain about your car's improved security because you needed to break into it?
Pitts: Yes.
Myself: Mr Pitts, could you do me a favour?
Pitts: What's that?
Myself: Don't think and drive. Hey, everyone, we'll be right back without Wendall Pitts! (Applause.)
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