This will be my last post in a while. I just wanted my fans to know I love them.
Myself: In keeping with this Valentine's Day, I thought we should talk about relationships. In spite of countless possibilities for each of us, the search for the ideal companion typically ends in disaster. Our guests today have agreed to share their experiences of romantic failure, whose bitter lessons will hopefully help us improve our chances of finding happiness.
Smuthers: Wouldn't it be more positive to look for insights from people in successful relationships?
Myself: They've made no mistakes we can learn from. Besides, a lot of them are secretly unhappy.
Smuthers: Well, if I would have known I'd be meeting single men on the rebound, I wouldn't have worn this skirt.
Myself: You look fine. What, are you afraid they're going to lose control and slobber all over you or something?
Smuthers: No, but-
Myself: Why do you only want to look sexy for the taken men? Maybe it's women like you who are at the root of this problem. Well, let me assure you that we bachelors are fully capable of exercising calm and grace in the presence of attractive women in short skirts.
Smuthers: (Upon reflection) I guess you're right. Sorry.
Myself: That's all right. Just don't let it happen again. And by the way, what sort of hose is that? Is that sheer? Joe, could we get a closeup on Janie's hose? (Zoom in on Smuthers legs from front. Whistles and catcalls.)
Smuthers: Hey!
Myself: Very nice. Do feel free to uncross them if it makes you more comfortable. Now, our first guest is in such a hurry to get over his breakup that he's already started up a brand new romance. That should leave my cohost safely in the clear. Ladies and gentlemen, Felix Horner! (Applause. Enter Horner.) Thanks for coming. Great to hear you're keeping active.
Horner: I don't want my last breakup to be the end of everything.
Myself: You're lucky to find someone new so fast.
Horner: I keep my eyes open.
Myself: Any places in particular?
Horner: Not really. Corner stores are good. Or pharmacies sometimes.
Myself: Pharmacies? I never thought of that. I suppose they come in to buy cosmetics.
Horner: I met April in a pharmacy.
Myself: That's your ex, right?
Horner: Yes.
Myself: Tell us about her.
Horner: She's twenty-two, five-seven, 35-23-34, and likes dancing and water skiing.
Myself: Why did you break up with her?
Horner: My mom threw her out.
Myself: You live with your mother?
Horner: No.
Myself: You mean, your mother threw April out of your own home?
Horner: With one hand.
Myself: She must be tough.
Horner: She never likes my girlfriends. I should have tried to hide April better. I won't let that happen with June.
Myself: Is that your new girlfriend?
Horner: Since I lost May. She was Japanese.
Myself: My, you have been busy.
Smuthers: Mister Horner, what sort of work do you do?
Horner: I'm unemployable.
Smuthers: Are you wealthy?
Horner: No.
Smuthers: No future, no money, a tyrannical mother, and you expect me to believe that you're having all these relationships?
Horner: But I can afford June. She only cost fifteen dollars plus tax.
Smuthers: She'd charge more than that for you. I bet you're making her up.
Myself: What's her last name?
Horner: 2017.
Myself: June 2017? That's not a name, that's a date.
Horner: She's my date! I keep her hidden where my mom won't find her.
Myself: Where's that?
Horner: Right here, in my pants. (He stands up, untucks his shirt, and starts to pull a magazine out from under his pants.) Wanna see?
Myself: No, put it back please. (Horner puts back the magazine and pulls a camera out of his pocket.)
Horner: (aiming at Smuthers) Click! Click! Now you're my girlfriend! (She whips out a canister, gets up, and sprays him in the eyes, sending him into howling spasms on the floor, then picks up his camera to delete its content.)
COMMERCIAL
Myself: Our next guest is a researcher. I hope that meets with your standards, Janie. He says his life has turned upside down since he ended his relationship with a nurse. Let's have a nice show of support for Edgar Morgan! (Applause. Enter Morgan.) How long have you been on your own?
Morgan: Two weeks.
Myself: And you were together for how long?
Morgan: Four years.
Myself: Where did you meet her?
Morgan: At work.
Myself: I see, a workplace romance. Those can be tricky. What kind of nurse is she?
Morgan: Psychiatric, at a research facility for violent sex offenders.
Myself: Very impressive! And why did you break up with her?
Morgan: I just had to get out of there.
Myself: You didn't like the work?
Morgan: I hated it. Question after question. Test after test. And she did everything wrong.
Myself: Everything? Are you sure that's fair?
Morgan: I'm telling you: she kept the temperature too warm, she turned the lights out too early, she didn't give enough medication... and I told her over and over again but she wouldn't listen.
Myself: So you quit your job.
Morgan: You could call it that. One night I just got so sick and tired of lying on a cold table with wires running out of me that I jumped up and overpowered the guard. I seized his gun and used it to hold her hostage until I was safely through the gate.
Myself: (Tentatively) Overpowered the guard. Right. And where is she now?
Morgan: I don't know. I let her go outside the gate. You should have seen her run! But I didn't know how much I'd miss her. It just doesn't feel right, going to the bathroom without her permission.
Smuthers: (Nervously) What about the gun?
Morgan: I threw it in the river.
Myself: Well then, someone should be along to pick you up soon. So, you're not a researcher but an escaped sex offender! I guess that's as far as we can take this discussion.
Morgan: (to Smuthers) Nice panties. (She pulls out an electric stun gun and touches Morgan on the neck with it, zapping him to unconsciousness.)
COMMERCIAL: The Dream Weaver Alpha-Wave Generator
(A boarding house. A matron serves breakfast.)
Matron: Where's Mr Jones? He'll miss his breakfast.
Lodger: In bed.
Matron: In the middle of the day?
Lodger: He's breaking in his new Dream Weaver.
(Closeup of sleeper's rapid eye movement. Pan out to show Jones in bed, dreaming.)
Announcer: Up to five years of the average human life is spent in REM sleep. At last, the technology has arrived to furnish sleepers with the means to control their dreams. Just plug it in, close your eyes, and ride a smooth current of alpha waves to a subconscious paradise of your own design. Are you a total failure in the real world? You can still enjoy all of the rewards without doing any of the work, as long as you can afford the Dream Weaver Alpha-Wave Generator.
(Breakfast a year later.)
Matron: Is Mr Jones ever coming down for breakfast?
Lodger: I'm not sure he can even make it to the bathroom anymore.
(Cut to an emaciated and scraggly bearded Jones, paralyzed by REM sleep, in ragged sheets and pyjamas.)
Announcer: Get what you want with the Dream Weaver!
Smuthers: I hope the next guest is a woman.
Myself: He isn't, but his trainer is. Directly from the three-ring circus, please join me in welcoming Karen Bunsen and Goliath! (Applause. Enter Bunsen, with a lion on a leash. She sits in the guest chair while the lion rubs his sides against Smuthers' legs.)
Bunsen: He must like you.
Smuthers: (Petrified) He feels very muscular.
Myself: That's how they scent mark their mates isn't it? (Smuthers passes me a bitter look.)
Bunsen: Goliath doesn't distinguish much between men and women, he just likes power. (The animal buries his head in Smuthers' lap, takes a deep whiff, emerges and releases a fierce roar directly into her face, drowning out her visible scream of terror.) Don't be afraid, that's just how he says hello. (The animal returns to Bunsen and crouches at her feet.)
Smuthers: Shouldn't he be in a cage?
Bunsen: He's perfectly harmless.
Smuthers: Well, why do we need to interview a lion?
Myself: Because Goliath has experienced some relationship problems, isn't that so?
Bunsen: Yes, being the only lion in town caused him to develop some abnormal attractions.
Smuthers: Say no more. Good night, Goliath! (Against Bunsen's protest, she rises and puts the lion to sleep with a dart from a tranquilizer gun.) Dave, as to the risk of serious physical injuries on this set, there can be no denial.
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